Pro Religion

George Carlin (RIP) | Thoughts on Religion

Pro Religion — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 17:24:04 +0000

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that. If I can see something, I don’t know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy. Doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn’t said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don’t pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship. It’s not polite.

I’ve often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It’s not nice. And it’s no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you’d really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn’t it seem a little arrogant? It’s a Divine Plan. What’s the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit’s foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that’s a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn’t care for, by the way. And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I’m gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody’s okay? All right, tell you what, I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I’ve got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I’m blind. I’m blind, oh, now I’m okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

(Copyright 1999 by George Carlin.)

In history God Let/s…..Part 1

Pro Religion — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 04:21:20 +0000

In history God Let/s

11 million people parish under the hand of Hitler.

22,000 Children die each day on average worldwide.

someone get sexually molested every 2 seconds just in the U.S.

15 of every 16 rapists go without a day in jail just in the U.S.

an entire Race to be enslaved and punished based on they’re skin color

in 2004 is was calculated over 4,000 priests where involved in molestation cases(just the ones that we found out about)

5,760 more children become orphans every day worldwide

as of 2009 there were 33.3 million people living with aids worldwide

more then 3million babies are stillborn each year worldwide

15 million children die of hunger each year worldwide

Do you still think there is a GOD!!!

Funny Athiest T-Shirts

Pro Religion — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 17:36:16 +0000

I recently spent a little time going through Amazons massive store and found some funny Atheist t shirts that you all might enjoy or better yet wear. Cause as we all know atheist don’t get enough love or recognition outside of our community’s. I will continue my journey through they’re store and post new categories of items I find.

Found great new site AtheistsNever.com

Pro Religion — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 02:44:57 +0000

I recently ran across this great new site called AtheistsNever.com, pretty much it is just a huge list of things Religious nuts/people have done in the name of they’re being with links to the news articles. It is truly an eye opening experience for those of you always being told by Christians or others how great they are and how Atheist do such horrible things when in reality most all Atheist are easy going individuals and far more moral then those that hide behind organized religion and fake beings.

Below I have included 10 excerpts from AtheistsNever.com that I found truly interesting.

1. Atheists Never picked prayer over medical care while their daughter suffered over 30 days and eventually died. Link to News Article

2. Atheists Never molested a little boy and then tried to pass it off as anatomy lessons. Links to News Article

3. Atheists Never got angry for showing a woman’s face on the media, instead of getting mad about the fact that she beat her two year old child to death. Link to News Article

4. Atheists Never went blind because they were staring into the sun looking for an image of the Virgin Mary. Link to News Article

5. Atheists Never cut up a girl’s va-j-j because they thought it was a religious requirement. Link to News Article

6. Atheists Never formed a 40 man gang and went on a hunt with the explicit intention of murdering one of their daughters. Link to News Article

7. Atheists Never died while riding a holy log down a hill. Link to News Article

8. Atheists Never kidnapped a “virgin daughter of Zion” to help battle the Antichrist. Link to News Article

9. Atheists Never posted photos of the “Top 100 Homos,” in an effort to have them punished and hung. Link to News Article

10. Atheists Never stabbed a family member for listening to rock’n'roll and wearing makeup. Link to News Article

New Religious Images

Pro Religion — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 10:09:05 +0000

Food for Thought

Pro Religion — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 08:31:56 +0000

According to the gospel God has the power to intervene and control all, full power no kryptonite only absolute power over all. Now with this in mind people who are religious love to thank god for everything, they thank him when they make it to work on time or even when they’re favorite sports team wins (yes they really think that god made it happen..I know I know..its so obvious). Now what happens when the beloved team doesn’t win or when the kid gets cancer and dies, they again think God has let it happen for some higher reason that they don’t understand, now they have some divine purpose in life. They spend all they’re family’s money alienate the rest of the kids, make them think they can never be as good a Christian as they’re brother or sister cause they weren’t chosen to see God first. They ruin the rest of they’re life and possibly their family’s life chasing divinity and this dream that by suffering now they will be rewarded when they die rather then living life to the fullest and loving what they have in memory and in honor.

Please don’t get me wrong on the above paragraph, I am not making light of a terrible situation like that, all I am pointing out is how the doctrine of religion in light of troubled times alienates those left behind and in turn does not honor the departed. Only makes a mockery of the situation which is unacceptable.

Back to how God Can change anything and has full power. Lets start a little off kilter, it will make sense soon I promise. If you witness someone being mugged, rapped, beaten ect. an you have the power to stop it and you don’t you are considered almost as guilty as the person committing the crime because you stood back and did nothing. So if God has all power and is everywhere that in turn makes him a Criminal in all aspects because he has the power to intervene. So there are two logical choices for Christians…accept God is here but he is a murder, rapist, thief, kidnapper, ect. or face the fact that good things happen and bad things happen and there is no invisible man watching and controlling everything.

Thats My 2cents for the night

Jesus Loves me REMIX!

Pro Religion — Tue, 25 May 2010 07:31:15 +0000

Jesus rubs me! This I know,
For the preacher wont let go;
Little ones to His bedroom,
They are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
The Bible sells my soul

Jesus rubs me! He who hides,
perish boys to open wide;
He will wash away my grin,
Let His little child come in.
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
The Bible sells my soul.

Jesus rubs me! rubs me still,
When I’m very weak and ill;
From His spying throne of crime,
Comes to watch me where I lie.
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
The Bible sells my soul.

Jesus loves me! He will stay,
Close behind me all the way;
He’s prepared a hole for me,
And some day my pride I’ll see.
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
Yes, Jesus rubs me!
The Bible sells my soul.

Funny Jebus Photos

Pro Religion — Fri, 14 May 2010 06:27:58 +0000