A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.” And the priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?”

“Never, Father — I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me?”

“I’m tellin’ everybody!”

How was the Grand Canyon formed?
Someone dropped 20 cents down a rabbit hole at a Jewish Convention.

What’s the difference between pizzas and Jews?
Pizzas don’t scream in the oven.

What happens when a Jew with a full erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.

What’s a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham.

What’s the definition of a queer Jew?
A Jew who likes girls more than money.

What do you get if you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
A chain of empty retail stores.

How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father’s business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
Marry her.

What’s the definition of Jewish foreplay?
Two hours of begging.

What’s the difference between a Jewish American Princess and poverty?
Poverty sucks.

How do you say “fuck you” in Jewish?
“Trust me!”

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate.
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God (to use for the parish) and all that landed outside was for himself (as living expenses).
The priest said that his system was similar: He just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and the church, and that what landed on the other side was for himself.
The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same line: “I just toss the plate up in the air,” he explained, “and anything God can catch he can have, while I simply take what’s left.”

Why did God give the Jews two stone tablets of Biblical Commandments?
Well, first of all, God had offered His Commandments to the Germans. “Impossible!” they replied, “What’s this stuff about thou shalt not kill? It’s natural to kill”. And so they refused them.
So then God offered them to the French. “What’s this rubbish about thou shalt not commit adultery?” they exclaimed, “It’s in our blood! It’s part of our way of life!”. And so they refused them too.
So eventually God offered them to the Jews. “How much are they?” asked the Jews. “They’re free” came the reply. “In that case, we’ll take two!”

An American, an Australian, a Englishman and a Jew are all in a plane that’s about to crash. “Let’s make a pact,” they say, “Whoever survives will put $200 in the others’ graves to speed them on their way to the next world, and to thank God for surviving”.
The plane crashes and the Englishman is killed. The others go to his funeral; and, as agreed, the American puts $200 in notes into the Englishman’s grave. The Australian also solemnly contributes his $200. The Jew writes out a cheque for $600 to the Englishman, puts it in the grave, and takes the $400 change.

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