Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

“Well, once I looked at a man’s penis,” she said.

“Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven,” Peter told her.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

“Well, once I held a man’s penis,” she replied. “Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven,” he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

“Why did you push ahead in line?” asked Peter.

“Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!” replied the nun.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,

totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis.

They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…

Then all the other bells started to ring.

Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.

“Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

“Ah Michael,” sighed the priest, “you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?”

“I can’t tell you, father,” answered Michael, “I promised I wouldn’t say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

“Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O’Rourke?”

“I can’t say, father, I promised I wouldn’t, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

“Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?”

“I can’t tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman.”

“Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?”

“Father, I can’t say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

The priest pronounced, “Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys.”

“Thank you, father,” a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.

“Michael, Michael, what did the father say?”

“He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads.”

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out.

A priest approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?”

The little girl turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car

and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it?”

What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until you’re 13 before coming on your face.

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip.

On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

“We have a problem”, says the pilot. “There are only three parachutes!”

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

“Screw the boys,” shouts the lawyer.

“Is there time?” asks the priest.

What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

A bigger parish.

Please email us at jebus@proreligion.com with any comments or joke submissions.